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Post by Mace on Jan 24, 2007 19:12:19 GMT -5
No that's fine I do that all the time lol
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Post by Cujo on Jan 24, 2007 19:22:06 GMT -5
lol...want chapter 5?
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Post by FireiceXHydroXFirestorm on Jan 24, 2007 20:39:09 GMT -5
DEFINETLY!
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Post by Cujo on Jan 25, 2007 17:17:22 GMT -5
k. Here it is:
A Dark Night
"Don't ask me how I figured this out, alright? Because I'm not quite sure myself." Artemis said, and Phoenix nodded in response. "It was a dark night, and my mother couldn't see anything. She was running away from an evil raccoon-bird-thing. She tripped, and I flew from her arms into a river. An old lady found me and sent me to the orphanege with her son, because he worked there. I grew up there, and no one knew my name, and since the lady found me under a full moon, she called me Artemis." Artemis said, with a glance at Phoenix. "One question. If there was a full moon, how could your mother not see?" "She was in a forest, but, I don't know where." For a moment, both girls sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Artemis began to make a few marbles that she had in the cup holder spin and twirl around. "Show off." Phoenix said, picking up the slingshot the marbles went to. "Why do you always carry this thing around?" She asked, holding it up for a moment, then placing it back. "I don't know, protection, I guess...And it's kind of fun to mess around with." "Is there any more to your story?" Phoenix asked, looking at Artemis. "That night, at the orphanege, there was a lightning storm, and lighjtning struck me, and my half-crystal materialized around my neck." Artemis finished. "Wow."
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Post by ~Phoenix Storm~ on Jan 29, 2007 17:54:58 GMT -5
*lighjtning* what's with that? hurry up and finish! u have the notebook.
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Post by Cujo on Jan 30, 2007 16:22:46 GMT -5
//whoops...sorry, heheh...typo...lol//
Chapter 6: Flight of the Phoenix
When Phoenix arrived home after the camping trip she sat in front of her mirror and took her glasses off, and sat stareing at herself. She glanced at her hair, where she had dyed the front orange, red, and yellow. Then she looked down at what she was wearing. She was wearing a t-shirt with flames across it, faded denum (sp?) jeans with flames around the bottom, and a pair of gloves with flames, and she had cut the tips of the fingers off. She gazed into her eyes, and there was fire dancing around. "I'm a freak.." she said. "Phoenix, light's out!" Her mother called up to her. "Okay mom." Phoenix got up, changed into her pj's, that also had flames on them, and went to bed.
When she woke up the next morning, she got changed and went downstairs. She grabbed some breakfast and yelled to her mom, "I'm going out." "Be back soon!" her mom responded. "I'm not coming back." Phoenix muttered, not loud enough for her mother to hear, then went outside.
She quickly teleported back to her room and packed clothes, food, candy, water, a coat, a pair of socks, a hair brush, and a few books. After she was finished packing, she teleported back outside and got on her motorcycle, with flames on it. She started it, put up the kickstand, and drove out of the driveway.
________________________________________________________
When Artemis woke up, she took a shower, got changed, and went downstairs. When she got downstairs she sat on one of the bar stools at their counter. "Can I have breakfast?" She asked her mom. "Breakfast was four hours ago." Her mom said, then her dad added, "Its three o' clock. You're just a little late." "Well," Artemis began, grabbing a crunch bar from the cubboard, "I'll just go to the mall." "Fine, just be back before nine." Her mother called after her.
When Artemis got home she asked if Phoenix had called for her. "No, but her mother called and wanted to talk to you." Her mother said. "Okay, I'll go call her back." Lightning said, heading upstairs to her room. She called Phoenix's mom immediatly. "Artemis, have you seen Phoenix anywhere? I haven't seen her since this morning, and she hasn't called. She's gone!" Artemis looked at the clock. It read '10:00'. "I'll find her." She said, then hung up.
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Post by Mace on Jan 30, 2007 17:19:53 GMT -5
Oh very good, keep writing!
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Post by ~Phoenix Storm~ on Feb 5, 2007 17:39:52 GMT -5
Yeah finish the story *By the way i'm sending it to stormstar on 4catclans*
hey I have Ch 7!!! and chapter 8!!!
Chapter 7 Preparation
The second she heard of Phoenix’s disappearance, she ran to her room. What do I need? she thought. Artemis grabbed her camo backpack, emptied its contents onto the floor, and ran to her dresser. “Clothes, necklace…” she began listing as she put a pair of socks, camo pants, a tan t-shirt, a camo hat, and her necklace into her bag. After that she pulled on her favorite sweatshirt. She then added a map, a compass, and some money to her bag. Then she yanked off her sweatshirt and pj’s, and pulled on her gi and hamaka and put them on. Then she grabbed her sword and strapped it to her belt. She dashed downstairs and grabbed a bunch of random food, her dad’s pocketknife, and a bunch of water bottles.
Artemis dashed down the stairs and nearly crashed into her mother. “Where do you think your going?” her mother asked. “To find Phoenix,” Artemis answered, then ran out of the house and jumped onto her silver and blue motorcycle, heading towards the forest on the far side of town.
Chapter 8 Whispering Voices
Phoenix was walking along in the ancient forest near her home, when she heard something inside her head. Come to me, help me, it seemed to say. “Who are you?” Phoenix asked. Come and you will see. You already know who I am and I have been waiting 3 billion years to see you. “How will I find you?” Phoenix said. Follow your heart, young Fire-eye. “How do you know my name?” Phoenix asked, but somehow she already knew the answer. She decided to follow her heart, and her heart told her to go to the middle of the forest, to the lake. Phoenix started to wonder if the voice inside her head was speaking the truth. What if she was walking right into a trap? She dared not think about it.
While she was walking, she heard her stomach growling. “I wonder if there is anything to eat by the lake?” she wondered. She decided to try and call out to the voice. “Hey, when will I get to where my heart tells me to go?” She heard the voice inside her head again, and this time it sounded amused, Soon, very soon. But you can stop and eat if you like. So Phoenix stopped and looked around. To her right she saw some berries. So she grabbed a couple, and as she was eating she remembered that she could teleport. “I am such an idiot,” she said. Then she teleported.
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Post by Mace on May 15, 2007 17:30:50 GMT -5
Very nice, coming along I see!
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Post by ~Phoenix Storm~ on May 15, 2007 17:49:29 GMT -5
here is Ch... I have no clue.
Chapter 9 Artemis’s Journey
Artemis arrived at the edge of the forest at 3:00 P.M., she had stopped for the night at a tree – she liked staying in trees. Now she had to see if she could find Phoenix’s trail. Artemis looked to the right, nothing there, then she looked to the left, and she suddenly looked up. There was some smoke coming up from the forest! “That must be Phoenix!” she exclaimed. Then she parked her bike and hid it and followed the smoke.
She knew it was going to be dark in the forest, but not this dark; it was almost pitch black! She reached into her pack, trying to find a flashlight. She soon found one, but the batteries were dead. I wonder if I could put some of the energy from my lightning into them that they might work… Artemis thought. So she tried it out and the light started to shine very brightly, as if a bolt of lightning was streaking across the sky. As soon as her flashlight was working she saw a dark shape move in front of her. “Who’s there?” she asked. There was no reply. All of the sudden she felt something crawling up the back of her hamaka. “What the heck?” she cried, flinging whatever it was off her back. She shined her flashlight in front of her and saw a brown cat with golden stripes on its back and tail, and a white star on its chest and a black star on its head, it also had one black paw, one gold paw, one white paw, one brown paw, a black and white nose, and aqua blue eyes. The cat opened its mouth and asked, “What did you do that for?” “You can talk?!” Artemis said, sounding appalled. “Of course I can talk. My name is Trisa, and your name is Artemis,” Trisa said. “How do you know my name?” Artemis asked. “I know all about you and your sister,” Trisa replied. “What sister? I’m an only child,” Artemis said. “No your not, your sister’s name is Phoenix,” Trisa replied.
Chapter 10 The Lake
When Phoenix arrived at the lake she once again heard the voice. Phoenix! Phoenix! “Where do I need to go to find you?” Phoenix asked. Follow your heart and you will find me. Phoenix’s heart was telling her to go to the island in the middle of the lake, so she teleported to the island.
When she got there, she looked around and spotted a baby dragon. “Are you the one I’ve been searching for?” she asked. I am. My name is Scorch and I am a phoenix dragon. “Well you already know my name, but I have to ask, what is a phoenix dragon?” A phoenix dragon is a mixture between a phoenix and a dragon. Phoenix continued to ask some more questions like: “What do you eat?”
After a while Scorch looked around and said, your sister is coming soon. “What?! I don’t have a sister!?” Phoenix said. She has been with you for a long time and yet you do not know her. Artemis is her name, Scorch said. “My sister’s name is Artemis?” Phoenix asked. Yes, it is. Scorch replied.
A few minutes later Artemis arrived with a pop. “So that’s what it’s like to teleport!” she exclaimed. Then she shouted, “Phoenix!” “Yes, my name is Phoenix, please don’t wear it out,” Phoenix replied, grinning. “Don’t shout like that again, Artemis, it hurts my ears,” Trisa meowed. “What the heck was that?” Phoenix asked, looking around. “This is my friend Trisa,” Artemis replied, pointing at the cat. Hello Trisa, it’s nice to see you again, Scorch said. “What was that?” Artemis asked. “This is Scorch, the phoenix dragon,” Phoenix replied, laughing at the look on Artemis’s face.
A few hours later Artemis said, “We should be going.” “Be careful, and we will join you in a few days,” Trisa said.
Chapter 11 The Hunters
Cujo and Venom were hunting in the ancient forest. Cujo was a tall sixteen-year-old with light brown hair and blue eyes. He was wearing dark blue jeans and a black shirt with an outline of a golden dragon on it. Venom was a scrawny sixteen-year-old with blood red hair and crimson eyes. He was wearing light blue jeans and a gold shirt with an outline of a black dragon on it.
Venom was carrying a rifle, while Cujo, his brother, was carrying a dagger. They were hunting some rabbits because they really hated them and wanted to destroy them. Cujo was stalking a rabbit and its family, while Venom was hunting a baby rabbit. They both killed the rabbits at the same time. “When should we head back to camp?” Venom asked. “In a few minutes,” Cujo replied.
After a few minutes, which seemed like hours to Venom, Cujo said, “Well lets gather our prey and start heading back.” “Finally!” Venom said. They started to gather what they had caught and put it into a pack they had brought. “So, have you heard from the two intruders in our forest yet?” Venom asked. “No and if we ever find them we will catch them and tell them to never come into our forest again,” Cujo answered. “I wish that we did find them, that way we can catch them and teach them a lesson if they put up a fight,” Venom said.
Just as they reached camp Cujo said, “Stop, I hear something. Follow me.” They carefully crept up and looked around. Then Venom heard someone talking. “What are you going to do when we get to camp, Phoenix?” Then he heard the reply, “Maybe go and hunt for something to eat, Artemis.” It looked as if they had found the intruders. Venom’s wish was about to come true.
Chapter 12 Venom Strike
Phoenix and Artemis were walking along, not knowing what was about to happen. Suddenly Phoenix said, “Stop.” “Why,” Artemis asked. “There’s trouble ahead. Lets move in a different direction,” Phoenix replied. They started to move to the left when all the sudden a rabbit came flying out of nowhere and hit Artemis in the face. “What?” she asked, before she fell to the ground, dazed. “Artemis!” Phoenix cried, when all of the sudden the shell of a bullet hit her hard in the head. Phoenix fell to the ground, and didn’t move. “You hit her pretty hard Cujo,” venom said, looking at Phoenix. “I had to. Didn’t you hear her? She was trying to steal our food!" Cujo whispered back. “I heard her, but still you didn’t need to hit her so hard. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a concussion,” Venom said. “Come on, let’s take them to the camp.”
What they called “the camp” was actually a cabin. When they got inside Venom went over to a corner of the cabin that had a table in it. He moved the table and opened a trap door. When he looked up and saw Cujo’s surprised faced he said, “Did I forget to mention I dug us a basement last week?” “Yeah, you kind of forgot to mention that,” Cujo answered. “Give me the girls, but first…” Venom said, then looked Phoenix’s eyes, “Hey Cujo come here and look at this.” Cujo came over and when he looked at Phoenix’s eyes he nearly fainted. “What?” he asked, staring at the fire in her eyes. Then Venom said, “I heard them talking before we ambushed them. They said something about powers.” “We better find something that will stop them from using them then,” Cujo said. “How about we use some poison?” “Would that work?” Venom asked. “Sure it would,” Cujo replied, grabbing a vile of poison and pouring it in Phoenix’s mouth. He looked at her eyes; the fire was gone. Then he did the same to Artemis. Then he helped Venom put them in the basement and then put a lock on the door.
Chapter 13 Artemis Awakes
Artemis woke up a few hours later and grabbed her flashlight. She shined on her sister and saw that Phoenix had a huge bruise on the right side of her forehead. “Phoenix! Phoenix!” she said, shaking her, but Phoenix would not wake up. Artemis reached into Phoenix’s pack and grabbed her pillow and put it under Phoenix’s head, then she grabbed the blanket and put it on Phoenix. Then she grabbed her own pillow and blanket, and went to sleep.
Early in the morning Artemis awoke to someone shaking her arm. “What do you want?” she asked. “Are you alright?” someone asked. “Who are you?” Artemis asked. “My name is Venom,” he answered. “Well then Venom what is it you want?” Artemis asked. “Is your friend alright?” Venom asked.
Lightning add to the last chapter.
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Post by Mace on May 16, 2007 13:49:41 GMT -5
First off, please edit out all swearing your story from now on. It isn't necessary, in fact, people don't appricate reading it. This is taken from Self -Editing for Fiction Writers, a book written by editors. 'There was a time when your characters were convincingly worldly and streetwise if they swore a lot. But profanity has been so overused in the past years that nowadays it's more a sign of a small vocabulary.' Let's just put it this way, if this was a book in a book store and I saw the swearing, it would grealy turn me off. I've written four novels and have never once used a swear word, there are ways to get around it.
As for the writing itself, not too bad, the flow seemed off when switching between scenes and among the dialog but not bad, keep writing!
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Post by ~Phoenix Storm~ on May 16, 2007 16:06:25 GMT -5
I'll fix that
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Post by Cujo on May 18, 2007 15:41:43 GMT -5
Hey...when did you start chapter 13?! I told you I wasn't done prof-reading it...why'd you post it? I said I wasn't done!
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Post by ~Phoenix Storm~ on May 18, 2007 16:34:49 GMT -5
I felt like it.
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